Fucking Up

I cannot believe what happened yesterday. Really? Like what the hell. I was practically promised the ipod touch. But what did i get? Cd's i already have and a horribly fake disgusting D&G bag. This is so like them. I don't speak not to be heard. They asked me what i wanted. I said don't get me anything but the ipod touch. does anyone listen to me? Jesus. I'm going to save half of every paycheck i get over April vacation and buy it myself. That's what I've had to do with everything nice i have. Buy it myself. I see Tracy today. That's kinda good i guess. I don't know how to feel about the whole situation yet. I like her alright, but i don't know if i can trust her. Story of my life. It's funny because she actually sounds like she knows what she's talking about. None of my other therapists sounded like that. Like i don't even have to say anything, its like she already knows what I'm thinking. ooohhh I'd feel weird if she knew everything up in there. lots of X rated things up there lol.

OK listen to this:

Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, usually beginning in early adulthood.
The essential feature of histrionic personality disorder is an excessive pattern of emotionality and attention-seeking behavior. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others.
People with this disorder are usually able to function at a high level and can be successful socially and professionally. People with histrionic personality disorder usually have good social skills, but they tend to use these skills to manipulate other people and become the center of attention. [1] Furthermore, histrionic personality disorder may affect a person's social or romantic relationships or their ability to cope with losses or failures. People with this disorder may seek treatment for depression when romantic relationships end, although this is by no means a feature exclusive to this disorder. They often fail to see their own personal situation realistically, instead tending to dramatize and exaggerate their difficulties. They may go through frequent job changes, as they become easily bored and have trouble dealing with frustration. Because they tend to crave novelty and excitement, they may place themselves in risky situations. All of these factors may lead to greater risk of developing depression.

Wow that sounds like me. A lot. Is that bad? I mean i read it and I'm like wow. Oh and look at the symptoms. They practically spell out Cassandra.

Constant seeking of reassurance or approval. (always.)
Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions. (everyone calls me a drama queen... i like drama in fact. makes my life interesting...)
Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval. (i cannot handle criticism and when Pam says she disapproves, i feel horrible)
Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior.(what happened in the cafe. enough said)
Excessive concern with physical appearance. (i spend 2 hours on my makeup and buy clothes all the time so I'll look good. i ask constantly how do i look)
A need to be the center of attention (self-centeredness). (even though i don't like to admit it i crave attention)
Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification. (yuppers)
Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear shallow to others.
Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with details.
Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are.
Making rash decisions.
Threatening or attempting suicide

so yeah I'm going to show that to Tracy and be like OK so what now? at 2:45 in about 40 minutes i need to walk over to Pam's work. ughhh i hope I'm not right about this diagnosis. But it seems pretty clear as day. like honestly i think this fits just as well as BPD. This just fits. I don't know wheather to feel crazy or realived. omg i have to pee so bad lol. i wish time would hurry up right now. i just want pam to be out of work now. i want to know what she thinks of this. oh i guess that goes with the constant reasurring and aproval. roar! only 20 more minutes of being bored out of my mind. bear with me for a minute i'm going to get annoying with my complaining.
complaints:
-i have to pee soooooo bad.
- my ear hurts from these ear plugs.
- i want time to go alittle goddamn faster.
- i just thought about someone and my heartbeat quickened. it shouldn't have because i absoultly cannot like this person. really. i shouldn't. at all. really.
thats it for complaints. i guess. for now. . .
oh wait i have one more. i don't want to walk over to pam's work because i am wearing 4 1/2 inch heels. hmmmm. yeah thats it. i do believe. i want to go home. oh theres another one. wow im really complaining today. only 15 more minutes. well 17 minutes if you want to get technicalish. . . i want to go to boston. now. today. and just walk around. and people watch. i love boston so much. i want to live there and attend art school and just be fantastic. 15 minutes. is that odd that i sit here counting? probably. but i do it for everything. 900 seconds. that doesn't seem so bad now does it? well im going to leave because i don't want to sit here any longer.
oodles of toodles.