I hate you

I never know quite where to begin with these. I always pretend i have much more insight than i do. I one day wanted to be a writer, so everyone in the world could sit and read over my philosophies; that finally i would have a voice...but that dream died along time ago. I saw this picture way back when. It said I want to kill myself...but i don't want to die. Does that make sense? I suppose it makes a lot of sense, considering i feel like that sometimes. I mean i may look happy on the outside but what no one understands is if they felt how i felt, they'd actually understand. Its getting extremely difficult to know what to feel and when. I suppose that might be much like a baby. Not being able to decipher a situation to know what to feel. I feel very disconnected from the others around me. I just long for the impossible. All i want to do is get better. I don't want to be just a label. Borderline Personality Disorder. It sounds like a handicap. I don't wish to bear its shackles any longer. The are unfortunately only two ways out though. Option one: Work hard with Tracy. Breakdown the walls of abuse. Finally trust someone not to hurt me. Option two: Kill self. Now as much as option two sounds appeasing, i have to at least try option one. Its going to be hard. No. Its going to be intricately complex and difficult. But i have to try, if i want to get better. I honestly can say that i don't see myself getting better. I feel like I'm going to stay a psychotic mess until the end of time. I want to grow up and be successful, go out on my own and experience life. I just don't know if i can. 18 is approaching at a rapid rate, with me shaking in my UGG boots. The worst part of all this is I want a baby. I want a baby now. I know its completely irrational but that still doesn't take away my want. I know I'd be a good mother. And I'd love that baby with every fiber of my being. And I'd treat her right, like no one bothered to do with me. And she'd love me, like no one every did. She'd look up to me and call me mommy. Those are some of the sweetest thoughts that fill my head lately. But reality is a bitch telling me: How would you pay for her? Where would you live? Would DSS take her? Will you graduate high school? I just wish with all my heart, that i could have a baby. But i can barley take care of myself, so what chance with she have. I wouldn't do that to her. I wouldn't want her to have a crazy mother like i did. So maybe I'll wait. But the second I'm stable, that I'm cured of BPD, when i have a full time job, and have graduated high school, you best believe i am having her. She will be the sweetest little girl. Blond hair, blue eyes just like me as a baby. I will love her and spoil her rotten. And she will be my baby. All mine. And i will name her Kristen Michelle or Kristen Kelley. I'm not sure yet. All i know is i don't want a boy. I want a girl.