Starving

So today I decided it would be a good idea instead of staying home chilling out and having a good time at the BBQ I would spend a couple hours with my parents. Ugghhhh. We went to a museam in Boston. I didn't care for it really. It was rather boring. My father was quite upset that we had to pay to get in which he didn't have the money for I'm guessing. He didn't show that he was upset too too much but I can always tell these things. I am absolutly starving. Well not really anymore. I'm drinking diet pepsi cherry so it is helping alot. My cat is currently sniffing everthing in my room. It's rather odd. Perhaps she thinks she is a dog? Anyways. Starting tomorrow I am going water fasting for a ten day minimum. I want to go for 30-40 days but I am not sure I can. I will go on a 20 day one after RENT. I need to fast before RENT so I look ok in my dress. I'll still look like a fat slob but I'm working on that. Pam is trying to get me to eat. She keeps telling me there's plenty of food downstairs. Well thanks are you trying to make me the size of a house??? Jeeze. I am so done with being fat. It is disgusting. If I just remember everytime I say no thanks to food I say yes please to skinny. There are so many reasons to be thin!!!! I can't wait. I haven't weighed myself today. That makes me nervous. I don't want to see the numbers telling me I'm a fat ass. I am sooooooo fat. It is utterly disgusting. I don't know how people can stand to look at me! I wouldn't be able to. I would never date me. I am hidious. I should just fucking kill myself and my fat ass. I know I can last during my water fasting because I have so much fat it would take my body a long time to get rid of it all the results are 1-2 lbs dropped per day. Per day! Thats soo fucking ssweet. I would be skinnier. Maybe a size 10. That would be the day. I know my ass will never squeeze into a size 00 but my goal is to be a 4-6. Even being a size 8 wouldn't bother me. I just don't want to be considered "plus size". I want to go into any store and try anything I want on. I won't have to worry: do they have that cute top in a L or XL? Do they have my size jeans? Will that bathing suit fit? No my worst fear will be if they don't have the color I want. I could shop at abercrombie and buy a M or S sweatshirt. Ughh the things I could do if I were skinny. I could wear a bikini!! I have never worn one in my life. I would look so hot strutting down the beach. I can't wait to be thin.

Looking back

It's absolutly insane to look back on this blog even though the writings took place just a few short months ago. I feel as though somehow I've changed completly from the writings before. In reality it has only been about three month but ever since the hospitalization at westwood it's like I've had a revelation of some sort. I haven't cut in a long while but I have slipped back into bulimia and anorexica. I feel so happy almost all the time. I am just wishing for some sort of miriacle to make me skinny. I went into the hospital may 27th after cutting. From there I didn't eat for three days. Then I started purging. And restricting. And falling in love with people I shouldn't have. I got out on the 19th of June spending almost a month there. I asked for my stay to be extended twice. I was in love. How pathetic is that. In those three weeks I went from being (please don't judge my weight it's not my fault I was on alot of psych meds which make you gain excessive weight) 246 to 225. That is really quick to loose weight. I'm a little discouraged with my sisters ana and mia right now for I haven't lost weight in a couple of days but I know if I stick with them they will make me beautiful. Monday I am going on a 30-40 day water fast. You loose 1-2 lbs a day. Imagine in that time I'll be either 195 or 165. I will be so much happier. I just need to be 140 to be healthy and 110 to bs anorexic. If I was 165 by this time next month I would be sooooooo happy you don't even know. Just by drinking water. Who would have thought? I promise to write more. It will keep me from eating so it's going to be worth it. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Weight loss like Kate moss.

Fucking Up

I cannot believe what happened yesterday. Really? Like what the hell. I was practically promised the ipod touch. But what did i get? Cd's i already have and a horribly fake disgusting D&G bag. This is so like them. I don't speak not to be heard. They asked me what i wanted. I said don't get me anything but the ipod touch. does anyone listen to me? Jesus. I'm going to save half of every paycheck i get over April vacation and buy it myself. That's what I've had to do with everything nice i have. Buy it myself. I see Tracy today. That's kinda good i guess. I don't know how to feel about the whole situation yet. I like her alright, but i don't know if i can trust her. Story of my life. It's funny because she actually sounds like she knows what she's talking about. None of my other therapists sounded like that. Like i don't even have to say anything, its like she already knows what I'm thinking. ooohhh I'd feel weird if she knew everything up in there. lots of X rated things up there lol.

OK listen to this:

Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, usually beginning in early adulthood.
The essential feature of histrionic personality disorder is an excessive pattern of emotionality and attention-seeking behavior. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others.
People with this disorder are usually able to function at a high level and can be successful socially and professionally. People with histrionic personality disorder usually have good social skills, but they tend to use these skills to manipulate other people and become the center of attention. [1] Furthermore, histrionic personality disorder may affect a person's social or romantic relationships or their ability to cope with losses or failures. People with this disorder may seek treatment for depression when romantic relationships end, although this is by no means a feature exclusive to this disorder. They often fail to see their own personal situation realistically, instead tending to dramatize and exaggerate their difficulties. They may go through frequent job changes, as they become easily bored and have trouble dealing with frustration. Because they tend to crave novelty and excitement, they may place themselves in risky situations. All of these factors may lead to greater risk of developing depression.

Wow that sounds like me. A lot. Is that bad? I mean i read it and I'm like wow. Oh and look at the symptoms. They practically spell out Cassandra.

Constant seeking of reassurance or approval. (always.)
Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions. (everyone calls me a drama queen... i like drama in fact. makes my life interesting...)
Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval. (i cannot handle criticism and when Pam says she disapproves, i feel horrible)
Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior.(what happened in the cafe. enough said)
Excessive concern with physical appearance. (i spend 2 hours on my makeup and buy clothes all the time so I'll look good. i ask constantly how do i look)
A need to be the center of attention (self-centeredness). (even though i don't like to admit it i crave attention)
Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification. (yuppers)
Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear shallow to others.
Opinions are easily influenced by other people, but difficult to back up with details.
Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are.
Making rash decisions.
Threatening or attempting suicide

so yeah I'm going to show that to Tracy and be like OK so what now? at 2:45 in about 40 minutes i need to walk over to Pam's work. ughhh i hope I'm not right about this diagnosis. But it seems pretty clear as day. like honestly i think this fits just as well as BPD. This just fits. I don't know wheather to feel crazy or realived. omg i have to pee so bad lol. i wish time would hurry up right now. i just want pam to be out of work now. i want to know what she thinks of this. oh i guess that goes with the constant reasurring and aproval. roar! only 20 more minutes of being bored out of my mind. bear with me for a minute i'm going to get annoying with my complaining.
complaints:
-i have to pee soooooo bad.
- my ear hurts from these ear plugs.
- i want time to go alittle goddamn faster.
- i just thought about someone and my heartbeat quickened. it shouldn't have because i absoultly cannot like this person. really. i shouldn't. at all. really.
thats it for complaints. i guess. for now. . .
oh wait i have one more. i don't want to walk over to pam's work because i am wearing 4 1/2 inch heels. hmmmm. yeah thats it. i do believe. i want to go home. oh theres another one. wow im really complaining today. only 15 more minutes. well 17 minutes if you want to get technicalish. . . i want to go to boston. now. today. and just walk around. and people watch. i love boston so much. i want to live there and attend art school and just be fantastic. 15 minutes. is that odd that i sit here counting? probably. but i do it for everything. 900 seconds. that doesn't seem so bad now does it? well im going to leave because i don't want to sit here any longer.
oodles of toodles.

jeeze

I cannot believe some of the things i think. Really. Most of the time I don't even bother listening to the thoughts in my head. What's the point anyways? Sometimes i think that there is two people inside of me. One is the rational Cassandra and the other is the crazy Cassie. It would be simpler if the crazy Cassie would vanish. It's like lately that my mind has completely fogged over. I am irrefutably insane. Wow that's a million dollar word right there. I am in a joyous mood. it seems unsystematic much like the pouring rain. My kind of weather. There's something about rain that always gets me. Somehow it seems like in my mind it is pouring rain. Its just that the rain in my mind doesn't wash away the bad things to reveal the good much like real rain does. It reminds me of a lot of the places I've been and horrible things I've seen and been apart of. I wish that the rain would wash those thoughts away. i wish my life had something eventful going on. Instead i spend my days drawing Disney cartoons and trying not to cut. Wow that sounds actually pitiful if you by chance get a second to ponder it. I could,would, and have sat and wished for days. I wish for so many things its ridiculous. But i suppose its easier to live in a fantasy world; it cushions the blow of reality. The thing i wish for the most is a baby. I've said it before but i want her more than anything i have ever wanted before. I constantly wish for her. I suppose it's just one of the more impossible things i wish for. Somebody asked me today if i have any regrets. I didn't know how to answer that really. If i had the chance to start over and do it all again, i don't think i would because then i wouldn't be where i am now. I don't know if thats a good thing...all i know is that its something.

I hate you

I never know quite where to begin with these. I always pretend i have much more insight than i do. I one day wanted to be a writer, so everyone in the world could sit and read over my philosophies; that finally i would have a voice...but that dream died along time ago. I saw this picture way back when. It said I want to kill myself...but i don't want to die. Does that make sense? I suppose it makes a lot of sense, considering i feel like that sometimes. I mean i may look happy on the outside but what no one understands is if they felt how i felt, they'd actually understand. Its getting extremely difficult to know what to feel and when. I suppose that might be much like a baby. Not being able to decipher a situation to know what to feel. I feel very disconnected from the others around me. I just long for the impossible. All i want to do is get better. I don't want to be just a label. Borderline Personality Disorder. It sounds like a handicap. I don't wish to bear its shackles any longer. The are unfortunately only two ways out though. Option one: Work hard with Tracy. Breakdown the walls of abuse. Finally trust someone not to hurt me. Option two: Kill self. Now as much as option two sounds appeasing, i have to at least try option one. Its going to be hard. No. Its going to be intricately complex and difficult. But i have to try, if i want to get better. I honestly can say that i don't see myself getting better. I feel like I'm going to stay a psychotic mess until the end of time. I want to grow up and be successful, go out on my own and experience life. I just don't know if i can. 18 is approaching at a rapid rate, with me shaking in my UGG boots. The worst part of all this is I want a baby. I want a baby now. I know its completely irrational but that still doesn't take away my want. I know I'd be a good mother. And I'd love that baby with every fiber of my being. And I'd treat her right, like no one bothered to do with me. And she'd love me, like no one every did. She'd look up to me and call me mommy. Those are some of the sweetest thoughts that fill my head lately. But reality is a bitch telling me: How would you pay for her? Where would you live? Would DSS take her? Will you graduate high school? I just wish with all my heart, that i could have a baby. But i can barley take care of myself, so what chance with she have. I wouldn't do that to her. I wouldn't want her to have a crazy mother like i did. So maybe I'll wait. But the second I'm stable, that I'm cured of BPD, when i have a full time job, and have graduated high school, you best believe i am having her. She will be the sweetest little girl. Blond hair, blue eyes just like me as a baby. I will love her and spoil her rotten. And she will be my baby. All mine. And i will name her Kristen Michelle or Kristen Kelley. I'm not sure yet. All i know is i don't want a boy. I want a girl.