Starving

So today I decided it would be a good idea instead of staying home chilling out and having a good time at the BBQ I would spend a couple hours with my parents. Ugghhhh. We went to a museam in Boston. I didn't care for it really. It was rather boring. My father was quite upset that we had to pay to get in which he didn't have the money for I'm guessing. He didn't show that he was upset too too much but I can always tell these things. I am absolutly starving. Well not really anymore. I'm drinking diet pepsi cherry so it is helping alot. My cat is currently sniffing everthing in my room. It's rather odd. Perhaps she thinks she is a dog? Anyways. Starting tomorrow I am going water fasting for a ten day minimum. I want to go for 30-40 days but I am not sure I can. I will go on a 20 day one after RENT. I need to fast before RENT so I look ok in my dress. I'll still look like a fat slob but I'm working on that. Pam is trying to get me to eat. She keeps telling me there's plenty of food downstairs. Well thanks are you trying to make me the size of a house??? Jeeze. I am so done with being fat. It is disgusting. If I just remember everytime I say no thanks to food I say yes please to skinny. There are so many reasons to be thin!!!! I can't wait. I haven't weighed myself today. That makes me nervous. I don't want to see the numbers telling me I'm a fat ass. I am sooooooo fat. It is utterly disgusting. I don't know how people can stand to look at me! I wouldn't be able to. I would never date me. I am hidious. I should just fucking kill myself and my fat ass. I know I can last during my water fasting because I have so much fat it would take my body a long time to get rid of it all the results are 1-2 lbs dropped per day. Per day! Thats soo fucking ssweet. I would be skinnier. Maybe a size 10. That would be the day. I know my ass will never squeeze into a size 00 but my goal is to be a 4-6. Even being a size 8 wouldn't bother me. I just don't want to be considered "plus size". I want to go into any store and try anything I want on. I won't have to worry: do they have that cute top in a L or XL? Do they have my size jeans? Will that bathing suit fit? No my worst fear will be if they don't have the color I want. I could shop at abercrombie and buy a M or S sweatshirt. Ughh the things I could do if I were skinny. I could wear a bikini!! I have never worn one in my life. I would look so hot strutting down the beach. I can't wait to be thin.

Looking back

It's absolutly insane to look back on this blog even though the writings took place just a few short months ago. I feel as though somehow I've changed completly from the writings before. In reality it has only been about three month but ever since the hospitalization at westwood it's like I've had a revelation of some sort. I haven't cut in a long while but I have slipped back into bulimia and anorexica. I feel so happy almost all the time. I am just wishing for some sort of miriacle to make me skinny. I went into the hospital may 27th after cutting. From there I didn't eat for three days. Then I started purging. And restricting. And falling in love with people I shouldn't have. I got out on the 19th of June spending almost a month there. I asked for my stay to be extended twice. I was in love. How pathetic is that. In those three weeks I went from being (please don't judge my weight it's not my fault I was on alot of psych meds which make you gain excessive weight) 246 to 225. That is really quick to loose weight. I'm a little discouraged with my sisters ana and mia right now for I haven't lost weight in a couple of days but I know if I stick with them they will make me beautiful. Monday I am going on a 30-40 day water fast. You loose 1-2 lbs a day. Imagine in that time I'll be either 195 or 165. I will be so much happier. I just need to be 140 to be healthy and 110 to bs anorexic. If I was 165 by this time next month I would be sooooooo happy you don't even know. Just by drinking water. Who would have thought? I promise to write more. It will keep me from eating so it's going to be worth it. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Weight loss like Kate moss.